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Your Life's Work - Part 2

Too many of us give in to this vicious cycle. We know what we do on a daily basis isn't good for us, but we don't know how to get out of it.

I have a friend with a heart of gold. She does missionary work in Bangladesh, she helps refugees, and she also sells carbonated drinks for a living - something we not only don't need, but is bad for us. She has a gentle soul that feels pain and frustration when she sees suffering and how greed for material needs eats into our society. But yet, she is nourishing the very thing that upsets her by contributing to work towards provoking more non-essential (possibly even harmful) material need in people.

She would love to help people for a living and she could very well choose to, but fear often holds us back.

I could choose to write for a living and share my journey as I heighten my awareness, but fear slows me down. How will I make a living?

The truth is we can easily make more then just a living. We could create and lead richer lives.

If my friend focused her efforts on helping others build their lives, how would she not be able to make one for herself? Resources abound at her finger tips - just as someone who teaches others to fish is bound to know how to fish for oneself.

I could easily venture into writing. I know writers who started with little to no experience. Some come from completely different backgrounds – Accounting, HR, Law.

Literature is everywhere – pamphlets, flyers, websites – and writers are needed to fill these pages. I could resign from my job right now and join a writing school in Bangsar. I could approach everyone I know who has a remote link into the writing world and offer to take on jobs as a freelance writer. The first year might not bring much (or any) income, but I’d have opened some pretty big flood gates of opportunity.

So, what’s holding me back? One; my parents would worry themselves sick. And two; I’ve been indoctrinated to believe that I need a secure job – which I sorta have now.

Our society has trained us to believe that we NEED ‘standard’ secure jobs just as much as we need cars, houses, television sets, Ipods, Omega watches, Channel bags, and Coach purses, when what we really need is pretty much to fill our tummy's and protect ourselves from harsh climates. I.e. we only REALLY need food and shelter. Everything else is what we've been told we need to survive and succeed in life. Everything else on top of that is just stirrings of desire from clever marketing ploys for luxuries we feel we absolutely have to have.

The more we give in to what society deems ‘right’ the more it becomes our reality.

What if there was no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’?

What if reality wasn’t created yet and what if you were in charge of creating reality?

What would you do if you could start on a blank canvas?

Identity Crisis

One nice relaxing Thursday evening this friend of mine calls up and asks me this befuddling question.

“Are you home from work?” (this wasn’t the question)

“Yes.”

“Good. I have a question.” and she shoots on, “Do you think I am who I think I am?”

First thing that popped into my head, oh oh, identity crisis.

First thing that popped out of my mouth, “Who cares? Why does it matter what others think?”

We debated about the relevance of having any form of brain effort invested in such directionless thought, but she insisted she just needed to know. So I said, “Okay, I think you think too much.” She exasperates, “No, no, not what YOU think I am. What I THINK I THINK I am.” She sighs, “Like this one girl I met said to me, “I think you think you’re not girly, but you actually are”.”

Sheesh. That’s too much thought required deciphering the many ‘think’ in one sentence.

“Well,” I said, “I think you think you’re complicated, but you’re not really that complicated.”

And where is this taking us again?

Okay, I do agree that often times, perception of others play a role on how we perceive ourselves. Personally, I think we can be overly bothered with what others think of us. You are who you are. Know yourself and enjoy it. Stop fretting about what others perceive you as.

To be fair though, that may be easier said then done. Most of us seek approval from the day we were born – starting with our parents, then our teachers, friends, and eventually for some, our bosses and/or colleagues. It takes a while before we realize that the only approval we need is from ourselves.

It doesn’t matter if the whole world loves who you are. All it takes is for you to look at the mirror and not like whom you’ve become and you know you’re off track. You could be the perfect wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, friend, etc, but if you’re unhappy, maybe its time to un-mould yourself from the person you’ve become, to the one you want to be.

On flip-side, you might love who you are, but if the ‘whole world’ hates your stinking guts, maybe it’s an indicator for you to reflect a little and wonder why.

We don’t need to ignore what everyone thinks, but neither do we have to form our whole selves based on what others think. It helps if you’re confident with who you are and use the opinions of mature individuals as indicators to who you could better become. Not silly comments on how you-think-you’re-not-girly, but-actually-you-are.

So, am I who I think I am?

Well, I know for a fact you can be who you want to be.

Why worry about who you think you are or even who others think you are. Just focus on who you want to be and just be.

My Migraine Battle

I have no one word to describe this experience. Debilitating. This is as close as I can get.

It can hit me at anytime.

After another attack yesterday, I sat down in front of my laptop and did more reading on it .. hoping to find some answers.

“It’s a drop in serotonin levels.”

“Often, serotonin levels in the brain become extremely low before the onset of a migraine"

“Drop in serotonin levels leads to depression.“

“It affects your trigeminal nerve … motor functions.”

“Sensory information from the face and body processed by parallel pathways in the central nervous system ….”

“Migraine starts with an underlying central nervous system disorder… some of which subsequently affect the brain's vascular system. No experimental model fully explains the migraine process.”

“..dilated arteries..”

“Sufferer experiences a severe, relentless underlying pain”

“Pain is stabbing and intense … a combination of shock-like sensations... piercing pain is unrelenting”

“It’s a whole body experience”

“Flashes of light”

“Aura before it hits”

“I hid...”

“I feel sick. Nauseous.”

“Like having my head in a vice.”

“It just gets worse and worse and worse.”

“You can’t do anything about it. You lose control.”

“I won’t go to the cinemas with my friends. I was afraid of the flashing lights.”

“I have to lay in the dark with no noise.”

“I can’t see properly. I slur my words.”

“I just can’t do anything.”

“Its not a headache, It’s a MIGRAINE.”

“I loose control of speech and thought.”

“My words slur.”

“My vision blurs.”

“You’re drained, left tired.”

“Its like your whole head went through massacre and your brain is left bruised and battered.”

When I had my first migraine, I was convinced it was brain tumour. It had to be. Something huge was growing inside my head and waiting to burst out. I was completely gripped in fear just thinking about the pain coming again. And it did. Again, and again. Starting age 15, till now.

I lived in fear that at any moment, an aura will come. Every time I left the house for a party, a vacation, or for school, I’d think, what if? It would flash through my mind each time I go out that if my migraine hits, I’d end up spoiling their enjoyment by having to go home.

Loved ones couldn’t understand. They understood headaches and really bad headaches. All they could do was watch me cry and writhe in pain on my bed in the dark. They ask me questions. I hear voices but my head can not comprehend what they are saying. I try to say something, but nothing comes out.

The soft humming motor from the wall fan sounds like heavy industrial machinery right next to my room. My sister overturns an ice tray in the kitchen 30 feet away partitioned by closed doors and it felt like a mining explosion right in my head.

It feels as though someone had set fire to your brain nervous system and every thought or brain activity acts as pumped oxygen sending your nerve endings bursting up in flames. Suddenly you are acutely aware of how intricate your brain is. Every sensation that you’ve taken for granted is now triggering agony in you. A normal sound sends up vibrations through your synapses and what was normal information feels like acid coursing through to find its proper link in your head.

After my second attack, I was praying the third one would kill me. This is when I learnt that death is peace. Death is release from pain. I no longer feared it. I welcomed and longed for it. I cried for my family. What if I died right here, in my room, on my bed?

The third attack should have killed me. It was my worst one yet. Tears didn’t help. The pain took me somewhere else. There was no relief or escape within this body, so I left it. It felt as though I floated out for that one fleeing moment. I felt no pain. I felt nothing. Then, there was relief. A fleeting relief. I slept. I woke dazed. Half my body numb. I couldn’t feel my left check, arm and leg. Did I have a stroke? Maybe my veins expanded so far, it finally exploded? Am I half paralysed?

I recovered. Two days later, its as though it never happened, but I still suspected something was growing inside me. Maybe the next one. Will death release me on my fourth migraine attack?

Since then, I haven’t been able to repeat the little ‘out of body’ miracle experience. I tried. But i was left to feel everything. My family doctor prescribed Panadeine – Panadol with Codeine. Nothing changed.

After each attack, I’d feel dazed and lost. It’s as if the linkages in my head are slowly and achingly reforming itself. Thought is slow, but possible. I tried focusing and concentrating harder to quicken my thought response process only to be rewarded with pain - like attempting to force performance out of damaged ligaments.

It was many migraines later at age 25 that I was introduced to my first miracle pill – Cafegot. A year after, I was introduced to my second miracle pill - Imigran. The unfortunate news, I received today. These pills gradually lose its effect as your body adapts to it. They already have.

There doesn’t seem to be an ending to this tale as yet. It’s something that I’m living with.

The comfort came knowing I am not alone. It took me a while to find the words to express this experience and I hope that by reading this little excerpt of mine, if you’re a migraine sufferer living with this debilitating illness, you can also take comfort knowing that you are not alone.