Destiny or Choice?

Is life pre-destined, or do we mould it by the choices we make?

Many of us western educated ones would like to believe we have control. We even make life into an absolute science.

When we reduce life to a science, its somehow easier to handle. Emotions are taken out and we can understand things with our heads. But are we missing something? Could placing things under microscope scrutiny narrow our vision from something bigger?

Is life cause and effect, or has the very cause we trigger been pre-determined?

At one point, I really wanted to believe we had control. That our minds are stronger then anything around us – but that also means my mind has never been strong enough to make anything happen. The effort of thought alone was starting to become a disappointing struggle. Then it dawned on me – I am a speckle of dust trying to control the sand dunes of Sahara.

Destiny. Do you believe in destiny?

If you do, there’s no more struggle.
Everything is just meant to be. Life, is flow.

Life is as it’s meant to be.
There is no struggle.

Nowhere to go,
nothing to do,
and everything to be.

It means,
I am meant to be here,
I am meant to be now,
this is my moment.

If I was meant to meet someone, it is already planned.

If I was meant to do something, I would already be doing it.

Typing on this keyboard, posting up thoughts over and over again – it is meant to be.

Walking into a job interview, getting the job, not getting the job – it was meant to be.

Bumping into certain people in your life, connecting well or not connecting at all – it is meant to be.

Everything happens because it is meant to be,

Everything is as it’s supposed to be.

This is destiny.

A bird was meant to fly. It doesn’t question.

I am meant to be here. Right here, right now. I am not supposed to question. Life knows where it’s taking me.

Acceptance is the first step.

There’s no trying.

There’s no struggle.

Just flow….

Being jobless, for some being without money; having loved ones worry about you and anchor you down, or not having anyone care or bother at all; it is all meant to be.

Accept. Release. You’re free.

It is all meant to be.

Your emotions, frustrations, reactions, downfalls, achievements, inner drive, lack of inner drive … all meant to be.

Accept. Be free. Flow.

This is destiny.

Just know.

Never Postpone Happiness

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt the past year, never short change yourself. You are entitled to so much joy in life. Every moment lived in fear are precious moments not lived in joy. Every moment not lived in joy and you’ve short changed yourself on life.

The past 3 weeks was amazing. On a sunny Sunday, I walked into a bustling bakery down the road with a friend and grabbed a wholemeal loaf. As i approached the cashier, spontaneously, a question popped out, “Do you have any jobs available?” Next thing I knew, 2 days after, I’m running around packing, collecting, labeling, and cashiering in one of the fastest moving bakeries in town. I have at least a dozen cuts on my hands. My back is aching. My legs feel like mush (getting used to staying on my feet and running around for 9 to 10 hours a day). Was paid a peanut and a dime, and had 20 minute lunches in a tiny storeroom corner sitting on cardboard boxes of supplies, but gosh was it fun. I felt alive! Should have done this long ago.

I fell sick last week (cough, fever, flu. sore throat - the whole cocktail) and my shoulders and back (and bones??) ached even further - had no time to recover. I still went to work. Didn’t want to miss even a day cause it was such fun.

My aches will recover. My flu and cough will go away. My cuts will disappear. And I will have memories of working with these amazing people serving what I love – good food to good people. Such joy.

Sad that it had to end yesterday. I have to look for a job that pays much better and has less strenuous hours. I knew i love food and the food service industry, but i didn’t know it could make me come so alive.

My colleagues were such hardworking and fun people. Very skilled and underpaid, but they are simple folk who didn’t look beyond to demand for more. They asked me why i had to leave. I told them i needed a higher pay. They asked me point blank and honestly how much i needed. I smiled and said, “6 times more.” And they went, “hahhh!!! really ah??” … errr, yarlor.

I wish i could have stayed, but i need to move on. JB? Europe? I know one thing for sure though; it has to be the food service industry. A bakery? A café?

I’ve never felt so free and happy. I’ve never had my bank account going backwards either, so I do know I need to get my life in gear. At least now I know, I’m gearing in the right direction – joy.

In the past 7 working years, I’ve met so many colleagues who felt trapped in their jobs. They want to move on – some to the point of depression – but they’ve imposed on themselves over the years with commitments and fears. Even as I was working in the bakery, a sweet malay (baker) girl came up to me to ask…

“Kak, kak pergi Johor yea?”

“Yea”

“Kat mana? Bila??”

“Minggu depan. Kat Taman Pelangi, JB.”

Her face fell.

“Seronoknyaaaa….I dari JB. I mau balik Kak.”

“Kenapa tak balik? JB takda kerja ke?”

“Ada, Tapi belajar kat sini.”

”Sampai bila?”

“Tahun depan. Bulan enam.”

“Tak lama lagi lah.”

“LAMA kak. Tak boleh tunggu. I mau balik.”

She looked so sad my heart ached.

“Kalau hati tak boleh tunggu, ambil cuti - seminggu ke, dua minggu ke - balik JB cari kerja. Kalau hati tak senang, kepala pun sakit.”

“Yea, yea, kak! Memang!! Tak henti henti pikir keluarga kat JB. Kat JB I gembira kak…”

English Translation:

“Big sis (sign of respect), are you headed to Johor?”

“Yes”

“Where? When??”

“Next week. At Taman Pelangi, JB.”

Her face fell.

“Wowww….I’m from JB. I want to go back Big Sis.”

“Why don’t you? Doesn’t JB have jobs for you?”

“There are. But i’m learning here.”

”For how long?”

“Till next year. 6th month (June).”

“That’s not too long.”

“It IS Big Sis. I can’t wait. I want to go home.”

She looked so sad my heart ached.

“If your heart can’t wait, take a vacation - a week, two weeks - return to JB and look for work. If your heart is unsettled, your head will start hurting too.”

“Yes it’s true!! I can’t stop thinking about my family in JB. In JB, i’m happy …..”

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Seeking Soul

Once, education was thought to be a waste of time. Children were put to work the fields – it is by planting crops that you get your meals, not spending time in classrooms with books and words.

Times have changed, but the elements of our narrow views remains humanity’s biggest obstacle.

Now, we encourage education in pursuit of money for food, shelter and luxuries. Children are placed in class rooms to learn – it is through education that you can get a good job and paycheck to fulfill your needs, not spending time pondering about life and its meaning.

We graduate as soulless processors scrambling to fit ourselves as a cog in the wheel and hoping that one day, we will be at the driver’s seat. Or better yet, to own the vehicle.

We couldn’t see how education and a piece of paper could put food on our table, just as now, we cannot see how finding the meaning to life can nourish us. Even as I type this, I still don’t have the answer – how spiritual pursuits can feed us physically. But I know that without it, I am empty inside. No matter how many smiles I plaster on or how many attempts I put in to be happy, I am not. And just as the children who struggled to find understanding from their parents for their need to feed their minds, I am struggling to find understanding from mine for my need to feed my soul.

"Life is just a chance to grow a soul." - A. Powell Davies

“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” - C.S. Lewis

“I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.” - Vincent van Gogh

“The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.” - Oscar Wilde

"When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other." - Chinese proverb

“The human soul needs actual beauty more than bread.” - D.H. Lawrence

“Wisdom is to the soul what health is to the body” - De Saint-Real

“The soul is placed in the body like a rough diamond, and must be polished, or the luster of it will never appear” - Daniel Defoe

“Whatever satisfies the soul is truth.” - Walt Whitman

"Our Ego (our connection to the world, our need to prove to this world) keeps the soul imprisoned. Our thirst for money, sex, image, and validation takes away our main purpose in life.

After death the soul chooses to enter another body, take on another life, and continue the search for Divinity. We have already lived many lifetimes; we will continue to do so until we match the conscious levels of the avatars that are the true leaders of this planet. The only difference between you now and the avatars (Lord Jesus, Lord Buddha, Lord Krishna…) is that they have expanded their consciousness and were liberated from the materialism that pollutes the world. When you expand your consciousness, all things are possible." - Jim Hague

Evening Guru

Evening’s

with my Guru

Day 1 - The Awakening

Day 2 - Secret to Enlightenment… See Correct to En-lighten-men

Day 3 - Energy, Emotion, Focus and Feeling

Day 4 - Present

Day 5 - Gratitude, Trust, Desire

Day 1 - The Awakening

“When the student is ready…”

Guru: If you knew but a small part of my life journey that brought me to the time and space now that our paths are crossing then you would see me differently and most importantly you would see yourself differently just as I see you and everyone else I meet.

I want to say more and share more with you … my heart is touched by meeting you… touched in a most magical way.

Student: Dear Guru, why do I not feel the same intensity? What am I missing? How do I see the magic that you see? You shine your light and the world responds. You create the most divine magic right in front of my very eyes and show me how easy it is to do it. You give me a gift beyond words. You unfold as the most beautiful lotus that you are. You are doing it in front of my very eyes as I watch and learn what I have to do, and yet I fell I could not do the same despite you saying I am the one who woke you to remember more of who you are. I fell so far away and am bound to a life of smallness and not living out my true life, passion, love and caring in this world.

Guru: I stand here and share the light that I do because of making choices and the biggest choice I now make is not to hold back or hold on. I choose that fear is a total illusion and that when I feel it to let it go. I forget often about the choices I choose but I remember now quicker and quicker - usually within 5 minutes or less but not always - it sometimes goes to a day like it does when you want so badly for something to continue.

When you experience a deep love and a deep connection – a love not manufactured but a result of TWO souls choosing to let go and be, that is the simple magic - its that simple it really is - just letting go and keeping on remembering to do so.

Each and every one of us on this planet once we have let go has a responsibility to serve others in also letting go. This is my service to you which is a service to self. Self for me is everything. I can never ever be free until everyone else is free because everyone is me and I am everyone. “My father and I are one.” is what a special master all those years ago shared. The story has not changed.

So what you see with your eyes in me is but something that has been there always but was hidden for most of my life until only a few short months ago when I let go. You know you have the same choice. And you know you are no less than me nor no greater as I truly know that also.

I love the light in you I deeply love that and I love what is you.

BE special always my dearest friend and walking companion.

Choose joy and fun, always.

I can feel myself remembering something very important with you … you are reminding me to look at myself 100% and how I am experiencing things and what is happening as I experience what I experience … so this is the gift I am receiving from you right now.

Thank you for sharing your time and life with me right now

Day 2 - Secret to Enlightenment… See Correct to En-lighten-men

Wear these bricks on your feet for a week.

Now, take them off.

How do you feel?

Carry these bags on your shoulders for a month, a year.

How do you feel?

Now, remove them.

What are these baggage’s around your heart and on your mind?

What are these bricks on your shoulders?

Who put them there?

How long have they been there?

We were born into this world as infants – light and free.

Even your body – the physical you – is but a shell that encases you. Your real self has no weight. You are a limitless vibrational energy being.

When we lighten our thoughts we move up in a lift - we lift ourselves and others up.

So many ‘self development’ books talk about changing this in our lives, developing that and transforming ourselves. They talk about a process of evolution where we start out today and “we work on ourselves”. What if we did not actually need to do anything to be ‘perfect’? What if there was nothing to do at all except let go. What if life was a process of subtraction instead of addition? By that I mean, so many people say we need to improve this in our lives and add this quality and add that perspective. What if all we needed to do was subtract instead so we can return to the focus of a perfectly whole spiritual state of perfection? And what if this process was really easy to do? What if it was so easy we could do it in a heart beat? WOW! How would that feel? To become enlightened in 0.65 seconds?

Day 3 – Energy, Emotion, Focus and Feeling

Guru: What you see about yourself is your choice. It is easy. Just follow your feelings. When you feel bad your focus is wrong. Wrong in perspective to your non-physical self's focus. What you choose to focus on is what and who you are.

Our brain is an image processor - nothing more! It processes energy patterns and converts them to images. That’s why we can use it to project through time and space and see things. That’s why I can see your energy - my being sees your energy patterns and then my focus transmits them into feelings in my body and images

What do you see? About your self - because what you see is what you are.

Student: I don’t know what I see.

Guru: Focus that’s all – all we need is focus.

Your feelings tell you what you are focusing on. And what you choose to focus on is what and who you are - in your physical experience that is.

A Secret is just seeing correctly. So what you see about yourself is your choice. It is easy. Just follow your feelings. When you feel bad your focus is wrong. Wrong in perspective to your non-physical self's focus

Student: So follow your feelings? It tells u what is real and correct?

Guru: DON'T FOLLOW your feelings - observe your feelings then change them. CHANGE THEM! As we change them we change our experience. We only need to seek relief from the current feeling that does not feel good, so we change our thinking slightly - focus - and then watch our feelings change, then continue to do this.

This is moving with the flow of our spirit then or the river of life. Go with the flow or against it

Against = Pain and Discomfort

With = JOY

Our emotions are a guidance system linked through our brain chemistry, so while we change our thoughts the feeling remain for a few minutes while the chemicals change, then we feel better or worse!!! Make sense?

Student: Starting to. So don't follow your feelings.. isn't that going against the flow?

Guru: You do not need to follow your feelings you need to observe them. Treat them like a messaging system as signals to move away or towards something? Our spiritual focused part can not quickly pass mental info to us - but can send energy info that can be focused by the brain as feelings, so we will always receive clear messages ALWAYS.

If we feel good - we are on focus.

If we feel bad - our focus is not serving us.

Student: So our focus is not serving us rather then the situation being bad.

Guru: Correct

There is no such thing as a bad experience. Just a 'bad' focus. That’s why the holocaust victims that survived did so and came out sane. They focused on the good. So our focus IS our CHOICE. The reality of the world is not – EXCEPT - the reality of our PERSONAL world is OUR creation and we create that through our focus.

Walk down the street and focus on the flowers or the cars. Your choice. Which makes you feel better?

Focus on war of love making. Which makes you feel better?

It is simple.

If you live in a valley you see the valley, you see the mountain tops, but you see the valley in detail.

If you live on the mountain top, you see the valley in outline and hundreds of miles all around in outline, you see further and more fuller, but you can't see the details unless you magnify them - ie focus on them.

And if we experience physical things we don't want then we need to own we created that through attraction - thought - and then change our thought and this changes our attraction.

All easy when you focus through your feelings.

Forget the mind (until you have mastered feeling). Use your emotions and let them guide you. Just watch your feelings and then notice the thoughts you are having

Student: So if something 'bad' happens - you lose a loved one, a friend – it’s all about focus?

Guru: Correct

Student: How can you focus on something that gives you joy if a loved one is taken away from you?

Guru: Correct - if you SEE correct. How can u focus on something 'good' if someone else is in pain - if you change your focus and LOOK for the perfection you will discover magic. Pain is a choice of focus.

Student: Hunger and pain as magic?

Guru: What is pain?

If you are experiencing that - you are attracting that into your life

Student: All the African kids attracted hunger?

Guru: Yes they did. If you see pain then the pain is yours. But if you cannot see HOW this is happening then there is a BIGGER Question to ask and the bigger Q's lead us to the point of seeing perfection. It is called expanding our awareness.

The only Q is it your pain?

If it is you can change it – NOW!

If it is not you cannot change it - not that it needs changing

We all TRY to change what we do not like instead of seeing what is differently. That does not mean that if we have starvation in front of us we choose to ignore it. We can, but when your heart is connected you usually cannot. But when things are not in front of you why focus on them

Student: You are trying to say everything is at it should be?

Guru: Yes.

Everything is perfect. The only thing to correct is your thinking so you feel better. Just change your focus.

It is all about focus.

Where do you want to focus? You can focus on a bigger picture or you can focus on the small things that you do not choose to like.

Student: What happens if you focus on the non-physical u?

Guru: Then your energy will accelerate and your intuition and imagination will grow rapidly. And then if you focus on integrating that into your physical experience you see the results manifested physically that is how you become enLIGHTened

you just start to see yourself as light and you FILL up with light and become EN-LIGHT-END. It is easy because it is all in the focus and that is why its a 'SEE CORRECT' because most of us choose not to see correct.

We are ONE. So the greater view of SELF is a wholeness - that we are all the same and all ONE. Connected - totally by the fabric of energy that we call love

That is how I can feel you - through that fabric.

You are eternally wise. Your expanded consciousness brought you here. YOU chose to come. Your DESIRE brought you and that is what creates everything. And that is how you continue to grow – if you go back to the thought that brought you here, you will see how you created it.

If you look at what feeling you had when you chose to come, then you will notice you would have felt good about it, so you accepted it. And that is all you need to do in your life. Listen to you feelings THEN FOLLOW THEM.

Student: I thought change them? Change them if it makes u feel bad, yes?

Guru: Correct. Follow them as in action. Take the actions that are needed.

Student: Replicate the emotions and that leads you to the outcome?

Guru: No. Not quite.

If you are feeling 'bad' then change your thinking and look for better feelings.

When we are facing an experience we can choose our feeling based on the focus we take. We have 100% choice in our focus – always – which creates the feeling.

Day 4 - Present

Life is present. Life is a present.

Be in the Now. Come out and play.

Guru: Here is my love to you - While you remain in a way of world of your own creation staring at a wonderful horizon the world right here is passing you by. People are calling your name and inviting you to play and if you are just not there or here, then you are no where. Bring your heart into this world and then the incredible power that is you will create something amazing. Staying 'out there' will create nothing. Engage in this world and the world will engage in you.

There is no where to go, nothing to do, and everything to be.

There is nothing but here and now.

Regret can exist in the past. Worry, anxiety and fear can exist in the future. None can exist in the present. Every present moment is a gift. Everything around you is a present.

Present moment is life’s gift to you – you can choose anything. You can decide on anything.

You can ponder about past regrets or worry with anxiety about the future, but both the past and the future do not exist. What exists is PRESENT. You can choose to be here – to live in the present with excitement and joy. To be alive!

What exists is right here, right now, this moment.

We live in the age of instant manifestation. The whole world is set up so we can do things now. Yet what stops us? Not the world!!!!

Student: Money?

Guru: Most put money at No.1 but it is normally a bit down the list. No.1 usually is fear.

Day 5 - Gratitude, Trust, Desire

Student: I wake up every morning searching for life’s *skip* button

Guru: (chuckle)(chuckle)(chuckle)(chuckle)(chuckle)

I know how you feel. Moving 'spaces' in life is an interesting trick but so often when we move 'spaces' to where we think we want to be we find things wrong with that and want to move again funny that ehh!

It’s so easy to be in that cycle for a lifetime! I was there for 41 years!!!

Student: How did it change?

Guru Gratitude

Gratitude

Gratitude

Gratitude

And Gratitude.

Then Trust

Trust

Trust

And more Trust.

Then Desire

More Desire

And more desire.

Then repeat the whole cycle.

Gratitude, Trust, Desire

Its a cycle where all three exist at the same time

Student: Gratitude for?

Guru: Gratitude for where you are.

Gratitude is the platform from which to launch change - change is powered by desire

but if you do not trust, then you are stuck in frustration and or fear.

Trust allows you to fly! And to let go of what you have for something you want. Trust in life - in its process of delivering EVERYTHING you desire. It HAS to deliver because its a vibrational science. The universe would fall apart tomorrow if it was not true its called the Law of Attraction.

Energy particles of similar vibration will always come together just like you and your friends. They are similar to you that’s why you like them.

So when we launch from a platform of gratitude and allow ourselves to become our desires then we HAVE to TRUST to make that journey happen.

Student: Then all i have to do is wait?

Guru: YES! But 'waiting' is not always about doing nothing.

Sometimes it is often it is not! We live in a physical world - so movement is usually needed. Movement of energy or energy in motion – eMotion. Often we have to DO little though when we CHOOSE to do what is in line with our BEING and from here all you do is think, breath and act like your desire is already here. Your desire has materialised. so in essence you get what you want TODAY. NOW!!!!!!!!!!

The larger part of the picture you want will then slot in right behind desire is what is expanding our universe! We cannot be void of desire. Its what we love to expand. Make your world that which you want and allow others to make their world that which they want and never judge their choices. Even when you don't like them. We can only create our world and BE who we are and that in itself is SO powerful

Focus on the perfection and abundance -- always remembering we can have EVEYTHING we desire. We just have to remember we can and keep remembering

because this life shows us the opposite but the opposite is not necessarily true unless we choose that!

Hatch the desire now!

Just keep asking of life and it will deliver to you. It has to.

Desire

Drives

Growth

The desire is the first step. Without that there is no awakening. So my desire now is to be the perfection through my actions and words and thoughts - 100%. There is no journey to take in that. Just a decision and to focus on that decision each moment.

So anyone can choose that at any point just like we can choose anything at any point.

imagine your future happening right here and now - where all your dreams and hearts desires happen immediately. You live it immediately. That’s how simple things are.

Just choose and then be what you choose and NEVER ever stop BEING what you choose no matter what. That is how we move from one reality perspective to another in a blink of an eye.

Like flying -- one min on ground, next min in air. All it takes is a decision to let go! There is no journey to flight once you have decided to fly. Its; just letting go and flying.

The 'journey' is in making the decision to want to fly - that could take years or lifetimes!!!!

Remember, you have what you want, NOW!!!

My Migraine Battle - Part 2

I was so dazed and disoriented that I tripped in the bathroom, bruised both my legs and left elbow, and split the nail on my right big toe. But I couldn’t feel any of it. All I could feel was the jack-hammer drilling into my head from the conversation outside the house. I was trying to get away from it by rushing through the bathroom to the connected bedroom deeper in the house.

I writhed in pain and tears with one thought in mind. I want to die. Please let me die. But no such release came.

I’ve never woken up the next morning feeling so weak before. As though from a really high fever which leaves one drained and limp.

I tried sitting in the hall, but the light was too bright and returned to hide again in my room – dark curtains drawn.

Sleeping the better half of the day didn’t help. It just made me more dazed, but staying awake hurt my eyes. Sitting straight took so much effort. My mind couldn’t focus on anything or it would hurt. Any thought hurt.

Bali - Rock

Bali - Beach

Your Life's Work - Part 2

Too many of us give in to this vicious cycle. We know what we do on a daily basis isn't good for us, but we don't know how to get out of it.

I have a friend with a heart of gold. She does missionary work in Bangladesh, she helps refugees, and she also sells carbonated drinks for a living - something we not only don't need, but is bad for us. She has a gentle soul that feels pain and frustration when she sees suffering and how greed for material needs eats into our society. But yet, she is nourishing the very thing that upsets her by contributing to work towards provoking more non-essential (possibly even harmful) material need in people.

She would love to help people for a living and she could very well choose to, but fear often holds us back.

I could choose to write for a living and share my journey as I heighten my awareness, but fear slows me down. How will I make a living?

The truth is we can easily make more then just a living. We could create and lead richer lives.

If my friend focused her efforts on helping others build their lives, how would she not be able to make one for herself? Resources abound at her finger tips - just as someone who teaches others to fish is bound to know how to fish for oneself.

I could easily venture into writing. I know writers who started with little to no experience. Some come from completely different backgrounds – Accounting, HR, Law.

Literature is everywhere – pamphlets, flyers, websites – and writers are needed to fill these pages. I could resign from my job right now and join a writing school in Bangsar. I could approach everyone I know who has a remote link into the writing world and offer to take on jobs as a freelance writer. The first year might not bring much (or any) income, but I’d have opened some pretty big flood gates of opportunity.

So, what’s holding me back? One; my parents would worry themselves sick. And two; I’ve been indoctrinated to believe that I need a secure job – which I sorta have now.

Our society has trained us to believe that we NEED ‘standard’ secure jobs just as much as we need cars, houses, television sets, Ipods, Omega watches, Channel bags, and Coach purses, when what we really need is pretty much to fill our tummy's and protect ourselves from harsh climates. I.e. we only REALLY need food and shelter. Everything else is what we've been told we need to survive and succeed in life. Everything else on top of that is just stirrings of desire from clever marketing ploys for luxuries we feel we absolutely have to have.

The more we give in to what society deems ‘right’ the more it becomes our reality.

What if there was no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’?

What if reality wasn’t created yet and what if you were in charge of creating reality?

What would you do if you could start on a blank canvas?

Identity Crisis

One nice relaxing Thursday evening this friend of mine calls up and asks me this befuddling question.

“Are you home from work?” (this wasn’t the question)

“Yes.”

“Good. I have a question.” and she shoots on, “Do you think I am who I think I am?”

First thing that popped into my head, oh oh, identity crisis.

First thing that popped out of my mouth, “Who cares? Why does it matter what others think?”

We debated about the relevance of having any form of brain effort invested in such directionless thought, but she insisted she just needed to know. So I said, “Okay, I think you think too much.” She exasperates, “No, no, not what YOU think I am. What I THINK I THINK I am.” She sighs, “Like this one girl I met said to me, “I think you think you’re not girly, but you actually are”.”

Sheesh. That’s too much thought required deciphering the many ‘think’ in one sentence.

“Well,” I said, “I think you think you’re complicated, but you’re not really that complicated.”

And where is this taking us again?

Okay, I do agree that often times, perception of others play a role on how we perceive ourselves. Personally, I think we can be overly bothered with what others think of us. You are who you are. Know yourself and enjoy it. Stop fretting about what others perceive you as.

To be fair though, that may be easier said then done. Most of us seek approval from the day we were born – starting with our parents, then our teachers, friends, and eventually for some, our bosses and/or colleagues. It takes a while before we realize that the only approval we need is from ourselves.

It doesn’t matter if the whole world loves who you are. All it takes is for you to look at the mirror and not like whom you’ve become and you know you’re off track. You could be the perfect wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, friend, etc, but if you’re unhappy, maybe its time to un-mould yourself from the person you’ve become, to the one you want to be.

On flip-side, you might love who you are, but if the ‘whole world’ hates your stinking guts, maybe it’s an indicator for you to reflect a little and wonder why.

We don’t need to ignore what everyone thinks, but neither do we have to form our whole selves based on what others think. It helps if you’re confident with who you are and use the opinions of mature individuals as indicators to who you could better become. Not silly comments on how you-think-you’re-not-girly, but-actually-you-are.

So, am I who I think I am?

Well, I know for a fact you can be who you want to be.

Why worry about who you think you are or even who others think you are. Just focus on who you want to be and just be.

My Migraine Battle

I have no one word to describe this experience. Debilitating. This is as close as I can get.

It can hit me at anytime.

After another attack yesterday, I sat down in front of my laptop and did more reading on it .. hoping to find some answers.

“It’s a drop in serotonin levels.”

“Often, serotonin levels in the brain become extremely low before the onset of a migraine"

“Drop in serotonin levels leads to depression.“

“It affects your trigeminal nerve … motor functions.”

“Sensory information from the face and body processed by parallel pathways in the central nervous system ….”

“Migraine starts with an underlying central nervous system disorder… some of which subsequently affect the brain's vascular system. No experimental model fully explains the migraine process.”

“..dilated arteries..”

“Sufferer experiences a severe, relentless underlying pain”

“Pain is stabbing and intense … a combination of shock-like sensations... piercing pain is unrelenting”

“It’s a whole body experience”

“Flashes of light”

“Aura before it hits”

“I hid...”

“I feel sick. Nauseous.”

“Like having my head in a vice.”

“It just gets worse and worse and worse.”

“You can’t do anything about it. You lose control.”

“I won’t go to the cinemas with my friends. I was afraid of the flashing lights.”

“I have to lay in the dark with no noise.”

“I can’t see properly. I slur my words.”

“I just can’t do anything.”

“Its not a headache, It’s a MIGRAINE.”

“I loose control of speech and thought.”

“My words slur.”

“My vision blurs.”

“You’re drained, left tired.”

“Its like your whole head went through massacre and your brain is left bruised and battered.”

When I had my first migraine, I was convinced it was brain tumour. It had to be. Something huge was growing inside my head and waiting to burst out. I was completely gripped in fear just thinking about the pain coming again. And it did. Again, and again. Starting age 15, till now.

I lived in fear that at any moment, an aura will come. Every time I left the house for a party, a vacation, or for school, I’d think, what if? It would flash through my mind each time I go out that if my migraine hits, I’d end up spoiling their enjoyment by having to go home.

Loved ones couldn’t understand. They understood headaches and really bad headaches. All they could do was watch me cry and writhe in pain on my bed in the dark. They ask me questions. I hear voices but my head can not comprehend what they are saying. I try to say something, but nothing comes out.

The soft humming motor from the wall fan sounds like heavy industrial machinery right next to my room. My sister overturns an ice tray in the kitchen 30 feet away partitioned by closed doors and it felt like a mining explosion right in my head.

It feels as though someone had set fire to your brain nervous system and every thought or brain activity acts as pumped oxygen sending your nerve endings bursting up in flames. Suddenly you are acutely aware of how intricate your brain is. Every sensation that you’ve taken for granted is now triggering agony in you. A normal sound sends up vibrations through your synapses and what was normal information feels like acid coursing through to find its proper link in your head.

After my second attack, I was praying the third one would kill me. This is when I learnt that death is peace. Death is release from pain. I no longer feared it. I welcomed and longed for it. I cried for my family. What if I died right here, in my room, on my bed?

The third attack should have killed me. It was my worst one yet. Tears didn’t help. The pain took me somewhere else. There was no relief or escape within this body, so I left it. It felt as though I floated out for that one fleeing moment. I felt no pain. I felt nothing. Then, there was relief. A fleeting relief. I slept. I woke dazed. Half my body numb. I couldn’t feel my left check, arm and leg. Did I have a stroke? Maybe my veins expanded so far, it finally exploded? Am I half paralysed?

I recovered. Two days later, its as though it never happened, but I still suspected something was growing inside me. Maybe the next one. Will death release me on my fourth migraine attack?

Since then, I haven’t been able to repeat the little ‘out of body’ miracle experience. I tried. But i was left to feel everything. My family doctor prescribed Panadeine – Panadol with Codeine. Nothing changed.

After each attack, I’d feel dazed and lost. It’s as if the linkages in my head are slowly and achingly reforming itself. Thought is slow, but possible. I tried focusing and concentrating harder to quicken my thought response process only to be rewarded with pain - like attempting to force performance out of damaged ligaments.

It was many migraines later at age 25 that I was introduced to my first miracle pill – Cafegot. A year after, I was introduced to my second miracle pill - Imigran. The unfortunate news, I received today. These pills gradually lose its effect as your body adapts to it. They already have.

There doesn’t seem to be an ending to this tale as yet. It’s something that I’m living with.

The comfort came knowing I am not alone. It took me a while to find the words to express this experience and I hope that by reading this little excerpt of mine, if you’re a migraine sufferer living with this debilitating illness, you can also take comfort knowing that you are not alone.

Lao - Currency

For the first couple of days, my head was swimming with the figures.

1 USD = 7,800 Kip to 9,800 Kip (depending on who you’re asking and trading with)

1 Bhatt = 265 Kip to 280 Kip

And here’s the additional catch for Malaysians. We can’t trade for Lao Kip in our Malaysian Ringgit (or in Malaysia for that matter), so you can exchange for Bhatt and USD (in Malaysia), and then for Kip in Lao.

1 RM = 9.8 Bhatt (est) = 2,597 to 2,744 Kip

1 USD = 3.23 RM (on 5^th April 2008) hence, 1 RM = 2,415 to 3,034 Kip

Negotiating for goods became that much more interesting. It was a game of “Who gets more confused first”. You, or the trader.

At one point I was bargaining for scarves.

After negotiating the price down from 5 USD (5 x 8,700 = 43,500 Kip per piece) to 40,000 Kip a piece, the lady was adamantly unable to reduce the price from 120,000 Kip to 105,000 Kip for 3 pieces (35,000 Kip per piece for ‘bulk purchase’). I didn’t have enough Kip, so she suggested USD. Strangely, she was amicably agreeable when I suggested 4 USD a piece (4 x 8,700 = 34,800 Kip a piece). That’s 5,200 Kip less then her insistent price of 40,000 Kip.

At first I thought, maybe Lao traders preferred USD, but anther trader selling bags preferred I pay 55,000 Kip instead of 6 USD (6 x 8,700 = 52,200 Kip).

Even hotels contradicted on their currency exchange rate. The first hotel I stayed in charged me 19 USD a night based on an exchange rate of 1 USD = 7,800 Kip. The second one cost 17 USD with a rate of 1 USD = 9,800 Kip. My friends and I saw yet another pretty decent guest house which valued 1 USD as 10,000 Kip.

If you have an uncanny love for numbers, eateries with receipts come in 3 to 4 currency denomination options for a delightful dinner-after game of digits.